The B-Side

LEO
Do you KNOW why I usually put your first? because you are VAIN.
You always just HAVE to be first, dontcha?
It’s okay…you get to go into the spooky house first then….don’t look at me.
I’ll be the one in the van, eating a sandwich with a fully charged cell phone and have a spare key, in case there’s a scary dude out there in the forest. SO YOU GO RIGHT AHEAD. BE THE GREAT and FEARLESS BREEDER….er…I mean, ahem…LEADER.
by the way….HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
But seriously? Enjoy your life…Enjoy your family…Just…ENJOY. Wish you love and much HUGGAGE.

LIBRA
Social Butterfly much? Don’t overdo it. . . And heed me on this one: Do not volunteer for something that you cannot handle emotionally, physically and spiritually right now….and most of all don’t volunteer for something that you do NOT want to do…that’s DUMB. IT will screw up the things and people you DO want to DO…er…wait…Did I say that right? errrrrrrr….yeah, I did. You get the idea.

VIRGO
GO get a pedicure…get someone to rub your feet…get SOMETHING massaged or a neck rubbed…or SOMETHING to help you RELAX, you weird hypochondriac paranoid person you…NO I am NOT talking about THAT to help you RELAX….ya pervert….
..stress comes in all levels…
….and you are still a pervert…

ARIES
SO…you get to be the one to smooth out all the ruffled feathers now, huh? Well, that’s a first. Amazing since you are our token hothead…Isn’t it nice to know that you already blew up and lost your shit LAST month that you can be all calm NOW? DON’T worry, I’m sure you will go banana monkey wonko batshit crazy in NO time at all. Feel better?

TAURUS
Well, at least SOMEONE I know is getting Nookie. OR at least MASSIVE amounts of cuddling.
I envy you.
You are on a social streak currently. Enjoy it now, because you eventually will lock yourself back up until the holidays. TWO times of the year that Taurus Loves: SUMMER - To go outside, tiptoe in the tulips, roll in the dirt and charr dead animal flesh.—-and WINTER: To play in the snow and feed EVERYONE THAT THEY KNOW!!!
It’s true. You love to make everyone gain weight during the holiday..curse you.
Virgos and Leos do this too….unless they have a credit card…then RUN.

CAPRICORN
You are SO delving into this whole “Steampunk” thing…aren’t you?
Your creative passions are igniting…
…Sparks are flying…
….too bad it’s not with an ACTUAL person.
But a machine of SOME sort….strrrrange……

AQUARIUS
BIG HUGE NEON CHANGES IN YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AGH!
CRAZY LIFE ALTERING CHANGES.
I mean Luke Skywalker livin on a dust bowl then becoming a Jedi kinds a CRAZY!!!
Face it. You needed a change anyway.
The only suggestions I can give you:
Wear a parachute -
Keep your kneepads on -
Remember to duck and roll -
Don’t forget your towel -
…you get the idea.

PISCES
Wow.
MAJOR mood shifts from H E L L.
ABANDON SHIP AND ALL HOPE TO THOSE THAT ENTER HERE!
You need to do something nice for yourself sweetie.
Have SOMETHING done that makes you feel better.
Something that makes YOU happy.
because you give way too much of yourself you lose you along the way.
High happys and low moods….such is life. you need calm…ommmmmmmm.

GEMINI
GO ! ! !  BE CRAZY ! ! ! !  But at home.
Beware of Lemurs.

CANCER
YOU are soooooooooooo sucked into your laundry right now….ooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Laundry is meditation for you.
It’s like crying.
I never knew anyone that could turn the Laundromat into the frikking Delphi Oracle.
…until there was YOU.

SCORPIOS
Ahhhh my little pinchie friends….
Money problems will come your way if you don’t nip that bud right NOW.
STOP being a sugar mama / daddy..whatever….ya dolt!
But you NEVER listen to me anyway? why should NOW be any different…..
By the way, wait for the Dolce and Gabana until it goes on SALE this month, okay? Trust me.

SAGITTARIUS
Since WHEN did YOU become so whorish and slutty?
WHEN did that TRUCK go by? Why didn’t my Secretary (Libra/Virgo cusp..grrrr) get me that memo?????
(PAUSE)
actually?
It suits you.
Enjoy.
After that?
I got nuthin’.

Yep. Here ya go…just remember this is all in the intent of sick humor.

Leo
DO NOT SET YOUR HAIR ON FIRE. This would be a bad thing. Although you have destroyed more than one Curling iron in your time (if bald? You have also destroyed your share of buffers and belt sanders…) I would suggest let other people you trust touch your hair…or get professional help…in more ways than one….

Virgo
hmmmmm….everything I could tell you, you already know. Put the port/Baileys/Rum down and listen to me…everything problematic in your life can be rectified by an appropriate amount of explosives or ever better? A team of ninjas with wiffle ball bats…just a suggestion. BTW: don’t think TOO hard right now? You may break something…

Libra
Ah…my little emotional roller coaster of love….sigh…you know, the person you should be dealing with right now is ? Y O U. yep. You get sooo sucked into everyone else…you lose you somewhere on the way. Don’t you have enough drama going on that you should put yourself in order first? just a suggestion.

Scorpio
I have said it once…I will say it again…you are a bunch of sluts..moving on…

Sagittarius
Find one path and stick to it…stop derailing….you are worse than some trains…STICK TO THE PLAN.
Ever see the movie “Italian Job?” Go watch it right NOW…I’ll wait…

Capricorn
You have a horrible tendency to put people on a pedestal and don’t understand why they start to falter when you have such high hopes for them…Maybe because no one is perfect…stop thinking they are.

Aquarius
…You will be visited by three ghosts….Bohemia….Mercutio and Fred…nyuck…Just kidding…
Nothing new in your life…just chill and watch HULU…

Pisces
Enjoy the silence…who knows how long it will last.

Aries
Violence and Chocolate are in your future…if you can put both of it together ? Congratulations!

Taurus
All you want to do is barbecue stuff , blow things up and take a nap.

Gemini
Don’t get caught in a bus full of nuns wearing a Faust costume…..this could be bad…

Cancer
Just go back to bed…it will turn around soon. That light at the end of the tunnel is not a train….
…just a very small semi truck….

AuntiePanPan’s Horoscopes

Leo
The weather makes you moody and you like to be watching doom and gloom from a nice warm cozy distance. You should stay in and keep snuggly with someone you love. Or spend some money and get a manicure. I see fuzzy blankets in your future.

Virgo
Stubborn ain’t ya? Okay. Here’s the truth of it. Get what you have to get off of your chest. You need to either get closure or give someone else closure. You need to either move on or finish what you started.

Libra
It’s time now to hunker down and pay those bills and be the realist that you know you can be. It’s time now to be frugal and find magical ways to look wealthy and still have a low budget. You want to be self employed? FINE. Then you have to do the dirty work to get what you want. Only YOU can give yourself the future that you want. A lot of changes are coming your way…but they are all for the better.

Scorpio
You whore. In truth, you want sex. It would make you very very happy right now. Problem is sugar butt, that you ain’t getting the dosage you would like…then again…you are a tidal wave that never ceases when it comes to going with the flow…Best thing is to be a little patient and invest in some toys…a lot of toys.

Sagittarius
You have ALLLLLL these plans…yet…where are you? Talking is one thing, doing and finishing the job? Two totally different animals. Finish what you start, get the ball rolling…DO SOMETHING. Be a person of action, not reaction.

Capricorn
You really really really really really….think way too much.
You think sometimes you are above everyone else. Then again you get stuck on a topic and drag it through the mud till the cows come home. You dwell on asinine topics of unimportance in life, but then you skim over life and death crucial items. In the words of that noble bard, Ron Weasley:

” She really needs to sort out her priorities.” That’s you.

Read the rest of this entry �

Happy New 2010 everybody!

As per usual, I am a little late on the upshot on getting the horoscopes on time, but as some of my die hard subscribers also know - it’s a new year meaning:

“Auntie Pan Pan’s Predictions for 2010!”
whoot.
Soooo, instead of just horoscopes, you get to listen to me this episode ramble about what I think will happen this year.
ENJOY.

As per usual, some tree hugger will devise a cheap way of transportation using no gas and saving the planet…and yet again, no one will follow through with it- because they are lazy.

We will try to email an entire person…but it will end badly due to lag

Time Warner will provoke another cable channel , and well, we will all be watching underwater ping pong drunk off our ass at three a.m.

HULU will become a god.

People will be downsizing even more since they never know from one minute to the next, where the hell they are going to live.

Healthcare will still be a problem…organized religion will have to step in simply to get a donation.

The beginning of the new “Prohibition” will start this year…which sucks. Read the rest of this entry �

AuntiePanPan’s Horoscopes

Leo
Fresh year, fresh start for you, little lion. You are looking at life a little more optimistic now. Maybe it’s not all dark and gloomy out there in the big bad world right now. Either that, or your mood inhibitors finally kicked in. lighten up.

Virgo
You love to drink, you live to drink. Drinking makes you happy…either that or you have found another way to forget…like shopping or cake. Either way, don’t overindulge right now, start your slate clean.

Libra
Your life is not as dramatic as you think it is. Everything in your life, actually, can be solved by simplistic common solutions…it actually isn’t all that bad, either. You are finally finding the calmer side of life, and are liking it. Now if we could get you over the self esteem issue and go out on a date? H E A V E N!

Scorpio
Life is always about change. You need to let your loved ones change with it, they cannot always stay the same. Maybe you evolved past them. Maybe they evolved past you. Maybe it’s time to start looking for a new circle of friends to pass the time with…you will thank me later.

Sagittarius
I forget, who am I talking to today? One moment you run hot and cold…then you get confused. You think that everything should be run YOUR way…which to YOU is fine. But you need to let people be themself and run their own lives. Sorry, it’s the truth. Painful possibly…quite. But there you have it.

Capricorn
You want to be in LOVE. You want love sooooooo badly! Dagnabbit why is it not standing still for you so that you can be HAPPY!?!? Possibly because you are usually slow on the uptake so that by the time you get the memo? The ship has already sailed. You need someone that will bonk you in the head and say “HERE I AM!” Take action! Read the rest of this entry �

by ME truly, AuntiePanPan

good evening my glittering gothlings.
This is your auntie speaking.
Soo soorrrry been out of the loop lately, dealing with aliens…ya know.

Leo
sigh.
sigh.
hmmmm…I see lap dances in your future…carry a ton of one dollar bills.

Virgo
what can I say? You are popular! Everyone wants you to come over and may have secret desires to keep you locked up in their wine cellar…they don’t know what a big drinker you are, do they?

Libra
well…you worry too much…and relax..you will eventually get laid…and you will be earning cash soon…no…not at the same time…sheeesh.

Scorpio
you are …. have always been ….shall always be…a pervert.
but really? rubber sheets and corn? yuk. stick to glitter.

Sagittarius
Finish what you start and all will be well. Procrastinate? Stagnation. it’s just that simple.

Capricorn
things are looking bright and shiny in your future….let me go get those five hookers and a laptop for you now…

Aquarius
perspective is our friend…keep your perspective and all will be fine. Rely on those that you trust. Trust those that help you…I could go off…but why?

Pisces
Where the hell are you gonna find five hookers? And whats this I hear about what coming out of your hoo haa?!?!??!?!?!?!?? I want details???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Aries
If they beat you and you DON’T enjoy it? That is called abuse, honey. Call the po po.

Taurus
Just go back to sleep, I will let you know if anything interesting is going on.

Gemini
Yes. It all sucks right now…but it will get better. You are finally seeing the world without rose colored glasses and realize that you should get rich, now.

Cancer
Where did you put your frikking car keys at???? I will tell you …. they are next to the basket in the front room…no…they are IN the basket in the front room..you know the one I am talking about…all CANCERIANS have a basket at the front room…that’s where they usually put the cell phone and the remote or the ipod at too…you all live at frikking IKEA anyway…go to ikea and buy more photo boxes, ya sentimental FREAKS!

enjoy this week my lovies!

Leo
Its all about ego with you right now. And seriously shopping. You want to shop to your hearts content…can you wait a few weeks? maybe three?
Pay some crap off first?

Virgo
You think everyone owes you a favor? Can I let you in on a secret? No one owes you shit. deal with it.

Libra
do not let your heart get in the way of not putting food on your plate to fill your stomach.

Scorpio
sex sex and more sex….dont you ever get tired?

Sagittarius
No comment. You have many projects that will or could complete your life…
If you would only stick to the one that could make you money instead of flying off into a fantasy world….hm.

Capricorn
I see profits in your future but at what cost? good luck in the weeks to come, tho.

Aquarius
This is the make it or break it point of your career. If you have enough fire in your chart, You can do it. HOWEVER…you need that fire to keep a light under your ass. good luck.

Pisces
Talking will only work so far to accomplish what you have started…all speech is is leftover portions of air….use your water nature to fulfill your intuition.

Aries
Be that divine spark to help others on their way to greatness…you dont have the desire to be great…just put it in your paycheck. That way you can buy more shoes.

Taurus
Sometimes being bullheaded is a great thing….except when you don’t want to go to the doctor….go in already…you need to … seriously.

Gemini
Feeling that it was all for nothing….okay…you really do have people that love you…but everyone is feeling the same way that you are…it’s called a depression for a reason, love. you aren’t alone.

Cancer
wishful thinking will get you nowhere in life…if you are going to be wimpy…get a stronger partner that will carry the load for you…and tell you to suck it up when you get too off the rails.

LEO
Well, I see that there is a LOT of changes coming your way. Some may not exactly be a day at the park? But you will pull through it all just fine with flying colors. By the way, what is it with you and hair pulling lately? I think you need some special time in the cooling off tank…or at least some cold showers.

VIRGO
Angst angst angst…drink drink drink…fester fester fester…rot rot rot…
you need another hobby, mate. Mayhaps underwater basket weaving or here’s a thought: Bungee tennis!!!!

LIBRA
Sigh . You have had to come to grips with so much drama in your life lately. And the bittersweet thing is that this drama isn’t yours. You have enough real life drama of your own…you have so much more in your life to live for than the past and other peoples drama. Finish the job, close the chapter and move on.

SCORPIO
Inside my heart is breaking, my makeup may be flaking…but my smile still stays on…the show must go on. This is your for the rest of the year, my love…the truth sucks. I know. I know. but You have to deal with these demons in your life before you can move forward head on.

SAGITTARIUS
You have this desperate need for a full week long bender right now. Well, I will let you off the hook THIS TIME. But….only a week. Then I am going to tell you that it’s time to roll up your sleeves and get back to work on EVERYTHING else in your life…okay????

CAPRICORN
You have a plan, you have to put it into action…You are doing everything you can be doing so that you can accomplish the things that you need to do in YOUR life…I see Vespas in your future… Read the rest of this entry �

Leo
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY!!!! May I wish you all the pressies and nookage you could possibly stomach…or at least great cake. Don’t be upset when some of your airy friends flake or zone out…they are just regrouping…give them a little slack.

Virgo
Boy, did you ever fall off the grid or what? You just don’t want to deal with everyones bullshit…and honestly I can’t say that I blame you….except one little part…some of the bullshit that they are dealing with is YOURS. Time to step into the ring baby.

Libra
You MAY….aw hell…You ARE taking things a little more seriously than usual. Maybe it’s because life itself feels a little more serious than usual. Those you thought were your friends turned out to be liars…those that you thought were just a flash in the pan, became the ones that would kill for you…ironic, huh? The point is, don’t put up with crap..and let those who are blinded see the light.

Scorpio
Karma is a beautiful thing. You know where your bread is buttered. You are just biding your time to strike and or leave a negative situation. You have too many other victories to win to put up with angsty younglings.

Sagittarius
You are such a sweet and evil person…everyone thinks you are looking out for their personal interests..heh heh heh…and that is why I love you. You are a doer…not a planner…why plan when the actual act is sooo much sweeter? You have been quiet for sooooo long. I can’t wait to see what happens next.

Capricorn
love? that is the LAST thing on your mind right now. You have NO time to deal with crushes, people who have lust in their hearts over you or any of that shit. You got plans to move forward in your life…you have an agenda…stick to it baby!

Aquarius
Females? Prepare for more fun!!! Males? hmmmmm where DO you find the time? I could go off on a rampant tangent on how flirty this sign is…but we all know this…I just warn you now…things can come out of left field and you may have never even seen it coming. I also suggest a stylist…and a pedicure…and a day with the girls…soon.

Pisces
Just go with the flow, this too shall all pass…it always does, right? just give them some time to chill and all will be calm waters again.

Aries
YOU ARE SOOOO PISSED? why? Coffee? Serious….you need to load some steam off of your chest or you will explode!

Taurus
You don’t want to go out, yet, you don’t want to stay home? Where the hell DO you want to go, then? Your indecision is what makes you so confusing to others right now, because, YOU always have the answers…

Gemini
Blowing people off is not a yes or a no. It is just blowing people off. The indifference looks like a NO to others…you just want to be left to frolic…but there is going to be  a  serious price for it later, honey. Probably more than you can handle.

Cancer
Yeah, about that whole being a home body thing…its okay to be a homebody IN YOUR OWN HOME! not someone elses home. If you pay rent? Sure…but otherwise, get your own domicile and hide under the bed there. But honestly…All is fine, you are putting your priorities in order…you actually have a focus. now…to put it all together and make something with all the pieces.
make me cookies…I’ll be happy.

Auntie Pan Pan will be at Club Xile in Santa Ana tonight. . . If you bribe her with something sweet…she MIGHT do a reading for you…hmmmmmmm.

Leo
We will all get along fine if you would only realized that you don’t own anybody and no one is your property.

Virgo
You need to be put in your place. Expect a stern talking to from a direction you didn’t even expect.

Libra
Your soul is bleeding. Your only hope for survival is to sing out your feelings or write out your words. you are annoyed that people are taking away your pets…and you need people to worship you.

Scorpio
You are such a slut.

Sagittarius
It will all work out, but just don’t ask anyone to jump the gun that will change their whole entire life.

Capricorn
Expect shackles in your future. You want someone to control you, yet you are the controller. You need to realize who owns you and who takes care of you and who supports you…stop being inconsiderate though.

Aquarius
Expect a very serious message . It may change your life.

Pisces
Stop worrying about who what and where and deal with the issues that you have been ignoring at hand. The past is exactly that.

Aries
moody little thing, aren’t you? No one wants to be around a happy angry person. They would rather hang with an angry happy person.

Taurus
you are petty and stubborn and these are your good points.

Gemini
its better to walk away from an incident than have a confrontation. in this case. say what you mean. mean what you say…THEN walk away.

Cancer
If you kept in touch more….people would shower you with more love and adoration. Happy birthday by the way.

have a lovely week kids.