AuntiePanPan’s HORRORSCOPES for AUGUST 2010
Monday, July 26th, 2010
LEO
Do you KNOW why I usually put your first? because you are VAIN.
You always just HAVE to be first, dontcha?
It’s okay…you get to go into the spooky house first then….don’t look at me.
I’ll be the one in the van, eating a sandwich with a fully charged cell phone and have a spare key, in case there’s a scary dude out there in the forest. SO YOU GO RIGHT AHEAD. BE THE GREAT and FEARLESS BREEDER….er…I mean, ahem…LEADER.
by the way….HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
But seriously? Enjoy your life…Enjoy your family…Just…ENJOY. Wish you love and much HUGGAGE.
LIBRA
Social Butterfly much? Don’t overdo it. . . And heed me on this one: Do not volunteer for something that you cannot handle emotionally, physically and spiritually right now….and most of all don’t volunteer for something that you do NOT want to do…that’s DUMB. IT will screw up the things and people you DO want to DO…er…wait…Did I say that right? errrrrrrr….yeah, I did. You get the idea.
VIRGO
GO get a pedicure…get someone to rub your feet…get SOMETHING massaged or a neck rubbed…or SOMETHING to help you RELAX, you weird hypochondriac paranoid person you…NO I am NOT talking about THAT to help you RELAX….ya pervert….
..stress comes in all levels…
….and you are still a pervert…
ARIES
SO…you get to be the one to smooth out all the ruffled feathers now, huh? Well, that’s a first. Amazing since you are our token hothead…Isn’t it nice to know that you already blew up and lost your shit LAST month that you can be all calm NOW? DON’T worry, I’m sure you will go banana monkey wonko batshit crazy in NO time at all. Feel better?
TAURUS
Well, at least SOMEONE I know is getting Nookie. OR at least MASSIVE amounts of cuddling.
I envy you.
You are on a social streak currently. Enjoy it now, because you eventually will lock yourself back up until the holidays. TWO times of the year that Taurus Loves: SUMMER - To go outside, tiptoe in the tulips, roll in the dirt and charr dead animal flesh.—-and WINTER: To play in the snow and feed EVERYONE THAT THEY KNOW!!!
It’s true. You love to make everyone gain weight during the holiday..curse you.
Virgos and Leos do this too….unless they have a credit card…then RUN.
CAPRICORN
You are SO delving into this whole “Steampunk” thing…aren’t you?
Your creative passions are igniting…
…Sparks are flying…
….too bad it’s not with an ACTUAL person.
But a machine of SOME sort….strrrrange……
AQUARIUS
BIG HUGE NEON CHANGES IN YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AGH!
CRAZY LIFE ALTERING CHANGES.
I mean Luke Skywalker livin on a dust bowl then becoming a Jedi kinds a CRAZY!!!
Face it. You needed a change anyway.
The only suggestions I can give you:
Wear a parachute -
Keep your kneepads on -
Remember to duck and roll -
Don’t forget your towel -
…you get the idea.
PISCES
Wow.
MAJOR mood shifts from H E L L.
ABANDON SHIP AND ALL HOPE TO THOSE THAT ENTER HERE!
You need to do something nice for yourself sweetie.
Have SOMETHING done that makes you feel better.
Something that makes YOU happy.
because you give way too much of yourself you lose you along the way.
High happys and low moods….such is life. you need calm…ommmmmmmm.
GEMINI
GO ! ! ! BE CRAZY ! ! ! ! But at home.
Beware of Lemurs.
CANCER
YOU are soooooooooooo sucked into your laundry right now….ooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Laundry is meditation for you.
It’s like crying.
I never knew anyone that could turn the Laundromat into the frikking Delphi Oracle.
…until there was YOU.
SCORPIOS
Ahhhh my little pinchie friends….
Money problems will come your way if you don’t nip that bud right NOW.
STOP being a sugar mama / daddy..whatever….ya dolt!
But you NEVER listen to me anyway? why should NOW be any different…..
By the way, wait for the Dolce and Gabana until it goes on SALE this month, okay? Trust me.
SAGITTARIUS
Since WHEN did YOU become so whorish and slutty?
WHEN did that TRUCK go by? Why didn’t my Secretary (Libra/Virgo cusp..grrrr) get me that memo?????
(PAUSE)
actually?
It suits you.
Enjoy.
After that?
I got nuthin’.
